When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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