I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
