I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
