dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
