I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
