Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
