I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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