Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
