Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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