dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
