My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
