Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
