you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
