Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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