If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
