Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
