Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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