well you can't waste a boner
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
