I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
