can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
