If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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