i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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