The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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