So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
