everyone is single if you try hard enough
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
