I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
