Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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