i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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