How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You ruined the universe
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
