You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
