There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
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There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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