Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
