I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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