You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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