I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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