totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
