Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
