he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
