I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
