I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I have aggressive nipples.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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