Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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