don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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