i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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