My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
