i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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