Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
