It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
