Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
