A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
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