I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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