so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
