Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
