I'm so fucking centered right now
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
