My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
