I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
