Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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