census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
