I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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