Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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