I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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