is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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