dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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